Exploring the Art of Creating Intimacy.
No one wants to be a fool, least of all a fool in love.
But what of being a Fool for Love? Is there any difference?
Foolishness, folly, fool-hardy. We know it all too well. Fools rush
in where angels fear to tread. This is true of gambling with our hard
earned dollars. Might it also be true of gambling with our hard won
hearts? Shouldn't we be just as careful and cautious about how we
choose to invest our love? And yet, we can be smart, brainy, canny,
and wise in the ways of the world. Too smart to be taken in. Too
smart to be trusting. Smart enough to value safety and avoidance of pain and
brokenheartedness above everything. Even with the one we love. Too
smart to allow the vulnerability that open-hearted love demands.
Every day I work with couples who are just plain "too smart."
Too smart for their own good. Too smart to love. Too smart to risk
opening their heart one more time. Talk about pain. This is where it
is really happening. All of our investment in self-protection
backfires and leaves us smart. Brilliant even. But alone. Terribly
alone. Even with our partner. Even with the one we long to connect
with most. There are few things as isolating as not being able to
reach out to each other. Few things more painful than using all our
energy to keep our hearts safe, only to find it breaking and shattered
as a result of our efforts.
The wisdom of The Fool. Let's
be clear here. I'm not talking about driving the wrong way down a one
way street. This isn't about picking a mate with "great potential" and
dreaming of loving them into a different person, or saving them with
our love, or investing in the illusion that we can choose a person and
then force them to change to suit us. That is self-delusion and
denial. That really is foolish. And all too common.
This is about the open-hearted wisdom of allowing love.
Allowing love to take place. Allowing love to be received. And
given. This is about the conscious, risky, perilous journey of
allowing our hearts to open to each other. Allowing the possibility of
hurt. Allowing for vulnerability. Allowing space and room and
possibility for the beauty and the disappointment that each day, each
hour of loving invariably brings. It is a raw undeniable fact that
love cannot be exchanged without the open-hearted willingness to take
our lumps and bumps. And heartbreaks. In fact, breaking hearts open
is what love is all about. It isn't until we are willing to lay our
hearts open that we are able to give and receive the lushness and depth
of love. Anything else is merely a pale shadow.
The posture of Love.
So, suppose you decide that you are willing to love again, willing to
risk being loved, willing to bridge the gap of resentment and
disappointment that seems to well up in so many long term
relationships. Perhaps you have sought deep cover and safety and you
aren't in a relationship now, but you figure, "What the Hell! Bring it
on! I'm ready to take a chance on love. Ready to be a Fool for
Love." Then what? What does the posture of Love look like? What are
we really talking about here?
Take the risk of loving first.
Ouch! This is the long and the short of it. The deep, dark, and the
scary of it. Take the risk of loving first. And last. Take the risk
of being unseen, unheard, unreceived. Take the risk of being
rejected. And then take it again. And again. And again. And open
your heart and risk it again. Without keeping score. Without telling
yourself a story about what it means to be unmet in any one particular
moment. Without investing in creating a litany of proof about the way
in which your mate is not loving you "enough." Or the ways in which
you are simply unlovable. Take the risk to open into each new moment.
Fresh. A Fool, with your knapsack ready for the next new journey into
the new day. Because. Because of open-hearted love. Because the joy
of what open hearts feel and radiate is beyond the cloudy and stale
illusion of safety we create around us and in our hearts and in our
homes. It is simply impossible for us to love each other without
taking the risk of loving first, loving most, loving in spite of
disappointment, in spite of imperfection, in spite of our overwhelming
desire to be utterly safe. Despite our secret wish to loved without
having anything to lose. It is our vulnerability, in fact, which
allows us to receive and give love at all. We cannot really love
anyone, even ourselves, when we are trapped in the cave of our "safety
first" life.
So, find The Fool in yourself. And
champion The Fool in your partner. And take the road less traveled.
Take the road of vulnerable hearts. Take the road of bright eyes that
search out that which is good, and true, and hopeful in the moment. And
in each other. Especially in each other. Take the road only a fool
would take. Take the road of Love directly into your heart and the heart of your Beloved. Take a chance on believing love and trust are possible.
Again. No, it isn't smart. But it is wise. Wise in the ways only a
Fool for Love can be wise. Wise in the only ways that count.
-Victoria Schlicht, LMFT