Talk of Change is more than talk.
  Increasing Intimacy in Your Relationship:

The Art of Apology.

Know when and how to say you are sorry.  We take our partner's patience and indulgence for granted sometimes.  As a result, we don't apologize often enough and when we do, we don't always do it in a manner our partner can hear and receive.  Learning to offer good, clean, appropriate apologies can reduce the burden of bitterness in our relationships. Learning the art of apology can go a long way to increasing the levels of intimacy in your relationship and safeguard the overall well-being and health of your relationship.  Good apologies smooth the way for being able to sort out differences now and and in the future.

First, be thoughtful about what you are apologizing for.  Spend some time to understand what happened between the two of you and how you contributed to the difficulties.  Connect with how you imagine your partner is feeling in relation to the issue at hand.  Cultivate an understanding of how and why they are hurt and angry.

When offering your apology, be open, clear, and direct.  Own responsibility for your actions without attempting to assign at least part of the blame to your partner.  Offer a straight forward apology with no "buts" or explanations and excuses.  There is a time to discuss the situation and contributing issues, but is not when you are apologizing. Avoid qualifiers, such as, "I am sorry if..."  Keep it clean and to the point.

Make a commitment to not repeat your offense or mistake.  Make a commitment to change.  There are few things more tiresome that a string of apologies that do not lead to a change of behaviors.

Be sure to acknowledge how much you value your partner and why.  Share about why they are important to you.  Acknowledge the gift they bring to you by merely being a part of your life.  In fact, remembering to value your partner is a good relational art to practice every day.  The more you practice this, the less things you will have to apologize for in the first place.

Be prepared to receive and allow for an angry response.  Although you may want, seek, and request forgiveness, you must not demand it.  Understanding the impact of your actions on your loved one, empathizing sincerely, apologizing, and committing to change are steps that lay the groundwork for moving forward when things have calmed down.  Take care of handling your stuff, apologize, change your behaviors, and allow some time for cooling and healing.

And finally, learn the art of accepting an apology.  But that is another topic for another day.

-Victoria Schlicht, LMFT
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